Random thoughts...

So, I know many of you may have already seen this, but if not, I felt the need to re-post it in all of it's glory with my commentary. This person is like the modern Jack Handey.


1. -I wish Google Maps had an 'Avoid Ghetto' routing option. (One time, I got VERY stuck in Downtown Dallas due to bad Google mapping. I feared for my life and mostly my hubcaps)

2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. (granted, most people do not tell stories as well as i do ;)

3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. (this happens quite often...to other people I'm arguing with)

4. -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, "I don’t need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter? (I used to say this crap. Or the phrase "I'm high on life" also really bothered me. Of course you aren't NEEDING to have a drink to have fun, it just ensures it)

5. -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. (this happened to me when I was going to interview Perez Hilton. Totally went the wrong direction)

6. -That’s enough, Nickelback. (A-MEN...wait, they're still around?)

7. -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. (I was always into naptime. Always.)

8. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? (I can name at least 5 people that fit this bill right off the bat)

9. -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft. (I never had a video game console when I was a kid, but I had friends that did. And even I knew this)

10. -There is a great need for sarcasm font. (I always end up using italics, but it never comes across. Following with a good haha seems to work)

11. -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it. (This happened to be with Wayne's World. I knew I liked that movie, but GOD there are so many references I didn't get in that)

12. -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it. (I'm like that with Blazing Saddles. Then again, if people don't find that movie funny, I usually do not like them.)

13. -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (I've always been taught corner to corner, but you need at least two people to do this effectively)

14. -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (I posted this immediately to Twitter when I saw it. I have actually pulled a muscle carrying in so many groceries because I HATE trips. I do the same thing with luggage and shopping bags)

15. - I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (I don't have anything controversial on my computer, well, except for those naked pictures...hmmm...)

16. -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text. (I try not to text and drive, but Blackberrys make it so easy! I sometimes feel sorry for iPhone users because the lack of tactile response makes it near impossible to test while driving).

17. - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. (I never drank beer in beer pong. 1. because I don't like it and 2. because I rocked)

18. - Was learning cursive really necessary? (I only use cursive when I write checks and sign my name. And honestly, when I sign my name it looks like scribble with no letters)

19. - Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say." (I try not to use LOL in conversations, though a certain man I know uses it all the time...i'm looking at you david)

20. - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (I think, personally, they are synonymous)

21. - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. (I always changed the middle one, it made a design! And if I were to ever be a teacher, I would make every answer be C except for two random ones)

22. - My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. (That is so hilarious, I barely have words)

23. - Whenever someone says "I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart," all I hear is "I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart." (I think I'm just smart, no matter what the avenue)

24. - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said? (I do this a lot with a person who mutters all the time at work. I just give up)

25. - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! (I always start this trend in Austin. Big jerks using the exit lane or shoulder as your way to cut me off...jerk)

26. - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said "Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies" (S as in Sam, H I FF...yes, F as in Frank. I've got to get more creative here...)

27. -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? (I actually have no clue, except for the fact that it would be TWICE the waste of money)

28. - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart. (I am so addicted to this game, I actually try to shake my steering wheel when I go over small inclines on the road)

29. - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (What if you didn't, though. Side note, who uses MapQuest anymore?)

30. - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (As a person who had to organize obits at the statesman, trust me, the way they die IS the coolest part.)

31. - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. (David does this. I hate it. It makes me angry)

32. -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (i could wear the same pair of pants for two weeks if someone let me)

33. - I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night." (And I thought "porking" was a great term already)

34. -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. (Seriously, it's my default answer. When someone I don't know well asks me how I'm doing, I always answer "tired")

35. - Bad decisions make good stories (like the time I jumped off of two flights of stairs onto the cement or when I tried to cut my own hair)

36. -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! (that's how I spend lazy Sunday afternoons. I've seen pictures of more people's weddings that I've actually been to)

37. - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? (So true! When I was babysitting once, this girl asked me if I had ever "tossed someone's salad." I had no clue what that was and I was a freshman in high school and she was in 6th grade)

38. -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. (Hands down. They would dress really hip too. Wearing a trench-coat over a red and white stripped turtleneck.)

39. -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem…. (I never get nervous, but I always hate telling people I'm from Plano. They usually say "Oh, so have you taken heroin? Do you have a mansion?" So, I usually just say Dallas.)

40. -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (this happens to me all too often)

41. -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection. (I just got a BluRay player and the only reason I was Ok with getting one is if it also played DVDs I already had)

42. -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. (I fell the other day in my office chair. It was petrifying)

43. -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (jerks with their auto defaults)

44. - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. (Or, this is why Febreeze was invented)

45. -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’ (I usually think, "SCrew it, I want to watch the Rachel Zoe Project and everyone is going to have to suffer with me)

46. -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away? (I always hate that. I also get a fear in the pit of my stomach that they are not answering because they are leaving me a message and I HATE messages)

47. - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. (This is why I dress well EVERY day. )

48. -When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. (this is always a fear on a first date)

49. -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. (this is why I create playlists for when I work out, otherwise, I'm annoyed. The worst is when my dorky music comes on with people in the car. I'm like, "No, that's not Pavarotti's entire last concert...")

50. -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles… (so true. Also, if a kid gets hit at 40 mph versus 20 mph, that kid is still going to be screwed)

51. - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. (OK, cycling is a means of transportation jerks. I NEVER get in the way of cars because they will win if we were to fight)

52. -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. ( this is why I have to wear a watch in the shower, I have no concept of time)

53. -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. (I always thought this. I mean, they didn't want the baby...)

54. -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (I can name MORE people than my "people you should know on Facebook" item. In my opinion, caller ID is one of the best inventions of all time)

55. -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. (Is it like money laundering? Do you throw it in the dryer with poker chips?)

56. -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time… (I am a HUGE snooze proponent. I set my alarm at least 30 minutes before I actually NEED to get up)

57. -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (I would say, "Well, son, you're obviously an idiot, because ninjas don't get hit by cars...they sneak inside of the and put you in a choke hold")

58. -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. (This is why I am revamping the KXAN website for my job. They used to have this and I HATED that)

59. -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. (I would)
60. -I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (Yeah, and it always seems so dark in there. I mean, I know why they couldn't just put a light bulb in there due to temperatures, but surely with all the modern technology we can find a way to light my ice cream)

61. -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. (I don't drink lite beer, but I know that many of my kisses have begun with tequila shots and none have begun with Kay...)